Over the weekend, I stayed with Lauren as she buried her dad, then went on to the beach to meet my girlfriends for a trip that we planned back in the fall. After watching my best friend become an orphan then leave for some R&R at the beach, I feel like I should have this great perspective. I had a really bad week last week, then I got to do something very fun and freeing. I should have all my feelings and thoughts worked out and processed, right? If only it worked like that. If only all I needed was a beach trip to wrap up my feelings about the week and start this week with things back to normal. If only...
That's not really how things work though and anyone who has experienced heartbreak will agree that the only thing that makes the hurt easier is time. Everyone just needs time to process, plan, and figure out how to live with a broken heart or a sad situation or a deep loss. It's finding the new normal. It's figuring out how to live life when everything seems so trivial yet so important as well.
During my beach trip, my friends were so kind and gracious to me. They let me eat their food, they didn't flinch at my swear words, and they listened as I told lots of stories about Lauren. Somehow, this is just what I needed...room and space and freedom to feel exactly how I needed to feel.
I pushed myself hard to relax and make the trip my own. The simple pleasure of being responsible for my own food and not the food of my family was very freeing. I also tried hard not to feel like I should do anything (rotate during tanning, read my book, get a full night's rest). The last 30 minutes of the beach trip I just sat in the shade and stared at the ocean. No reading, no talking, no tanning, just sitting.
As I get back to real life, the beach trip was good, but last week was even worse. I have a plan in my head of how to redefine my new normal, but everything is still so fuzzy for me. I'm moving through life at a blurry pace, but I'm ok with that. For now it's the new normal.