Lately, I have had a difficult time staying present while at home with the kids. I'm having a hard time slowing down and soaking up my little fragile, delicate, perfect time with my babies. It's been hard on me. John and I have talked about it. On Monday, I got to get away for quite a bit and have time to do some things on my own. At the end of the day, I felt so happy and full. I told John about it, because I felt guilty, like major guilt for feeling that way.
He was great about it. He understood what I was feeling, and assured me that I should not feel guilty for my good Monday. That talk helped. It didn't fix my attitude, but it was good.
This week, I'm doing the little things that help me when I feel this way. I think of fun little adventures to go on with the kids. I take lots of pictures of them as they make their own play. I talk about it with John and my friends. Then, I remember that prayer would be pretty helpful as well. Duh.
Besides the prayer thing, the other little snippets are just temporary fix-its. They're not solutions.
I'm adding something to my fix-it list. This one's good: I'm accepting it. I'm accepting that no matter what I do, I'll always have mom-guilt. I'm accepting that I have my down days, and sometimes they last a few days. I'm accepting that most days I eat these children up with a spoon (and I hope those are the days that I remember).
I'm also learning that it might be something deeper going on inside me, and I'm also learning that it might not be. I might just be chronically restless.
As I process this and think about hitting publish, I'm starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel a little freer. There is power in sharing our weaknesses, right? I hope so. Here is my weakness right now.