The Saturdays That Slip

Dinner tonight was a picnic in the backyard.  It was complete with a quiet fire in the fire pit to add the perfect balance of warmth and ambiance.  As we headed back inside, I remembered that I have a blog and a goal of blogging everyday this month.  

I thought about scrambling to pull something together quickly, but that's no fun and it's not really my style.  Instead, I relish the fact that the way the day had unfolded had kept me completely focused on my family and not much of anything else.  Saturdays, you.complete.me.

Being vs Doing

The biggest change in my life this year is my lack of involvement.  I'm taking some time off of being a part of things.  No clubs, no mommy groups, no responsibilities, no commitments.  (There is one exception: the women's Bible study at my church where I get encouraged and energized and cared for.  I can't quit that, because it means so much to me.)  

My small group of high school girls graduated last year, so I planned to take a year off of volunteering with the youth group.  I've been helping for 11 years, so it was about time to take a pause.  The idea slowly evolved in my head for several months before it came to fruition.  I love getting involved in things, I love being part of a group, I love helping others, and I love a good cause.  Where some people have a hard time committing and getting out there and saying yes to things, I have a hard time saying no.  I used to feel guilty for saying no, but that's not really the case now.  I don't like saying no, because I usually have fun participating in that book club, roofing that widow's house, helping with that church group, etc.  It's all fun, but it was starting to clutter my life.  

All that life clutter was turning me into a machine.  I can honestly say I was almost doing it all.  Being a homemaker, being a wife & mother, being a servant, being a friend, being efficient in so many ways, but I was doing instead of being each of those things. I was giving so much of myself and it felt good, but not in the right way.  Instead of sacrifice and love and joy (even though those were sometimes there), I was feeding off of the attention it got me.  What was the bottom line, the honest truth?  Here it is:  I feel loved when I feel needed.  It's gross, but it's true.  

My only option was to take a break from all that dysfunction.  I have started by pulling out of all my obligations.  From the outside looking in, I'm not sure things might look that different, but for me it is.  I know that if I hear about that group that is starting or that organization that is forming, I'm not going to join it.  I'm free from deciding what to join.  The answer is no for now.  That doesn't mean I'm not a friend or a mom or a wife or a sister or a daughter or a neighbor.  It means that I'm only those things right now.  

When I told a friend about what I was going to do, she said that she had done the same thing a year ago and it was the best she's done spiritually.  For the few months that I've been free, I've had so much space to learn what being means apart from doing.   I haven't found the answer, but I can say this: I'm like 1,000 times more happier and restful now.  I'm focusing on receiving God's love.  I'm focusing on what true rest means.  I'm focusing on sinking in deeper into places that I already am.  Pulling away from all those commitments isn't the solution and it won't fix things.  It's simply giving me time and space to process my heart and to change how I approach things.

Dear readers, has this happened to you?  What did life look like for you?  Or, are you on the other side, needing to step in?  Do you need to start looking up and reaching out to others? Any verses, advice, or perspective is welcome.  Thank you for reading.

Hiding

Can you see us?  We're hiding from monsters.  2,700 square feet of house, and Burl's favorite game right now is to cram into 10 of it and play hiding.  

This morning I had a great time playing with the kids.  Not only was my schedule free, but I was free too.  It's not easy to tell myself to stop.  It's not easy to sit there and enjoy the peace.  It's much easier to take a minute while the kids are happy and do that one little chore.  It's easier, but it's not better.  

I started a very personal post on one of the biggest changes in my life and it's taken longer than what I thought.  Hopefully I'll get my heart and head sorted out to talk about it tomorrow.

Yogurt & Play With Fern

Today, during their long naps, Burl was asleep for almost four hours and Fern barely slept one.  It gave me some time with her that I was hoping for.  For a few weeks now, I've felt disconnected with her.  Nothing drastic, but I was missing her somehow.  Mamas of multiple babies know this dilemma better than I do, but I'm starting to feel it now.  I was missing that one-on-one time with Fern.

With Burl it was easy.  He was the only one.  Even now, he gets some one-on-one time during one of her naps.  Fern, on the other hand, doesn't see much awake time where it's just her and me.  We're running off somewhere, eating dinner, playing with Burl, or she's hanging by herself while I take Burl to the potty.  I have to be more intentional and creative to get some quality time with her.  

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that.  During those early days, I definitely had room for that special time with her.  Today, when the naps didn't line up like they usually do, I was given an opportunity to have her all to myself.  I was a little sad to give up my time to read and nap, but that really faded away as we sunk deeper into our mother-daughter place.

Even looking at these pictures while I post them makes me want to go in there and scoop her up and snuggle her while she sleeps.  I did that so many nights with Burl, and I have tried to do it with Fern.  She doesn't like to be interrupted in her sleep.  She won't sleep on me like he did, and John says I'm out of tries with her.  "Just let her sleep."  She's getting snugglier though, so I'm hopeful she'll be up for it soon.  

During our little time, I got to feed her lunch.  I got the bright idea to take this opportunity to let her feed herself some yogurt.  

When re-reading some of my blog posts, I saw that Fern is the same age that Burl was when he used a spoon for the first time.  For a few days now, I've been meaning to give her the same go at the yogurt.  She's great at picking up food with her fingers, but silverware was a whole new ballgame to her.

She held the spoon tightly in one hand and dipped her free hand in the yogurt to eat.  Sometimes she would touch her spoon to the bowl and I would go crazy applauding her, but the full concept never sunk in.  

She might not know how to use a spoon, but she can use {toy} a hammer and a hand saw!  True story.  

Oh, this sweet little girl of mine.  I just love her and am so glad her nap got cut short so I was forced to have some quality time alone with her.  I'm not sure I realized how much I needed it.  Her first year is almost up and everyday I'm still amazed at her.