Food Journey

I've received some emails lately about my food journey, so I wanted to write a little post about it. For the people who have food issues...

I've always enjoyed food. I enjoy making, serving, and eating food. I have early childhood memories of going to work with my dad and making huge batches of muffins so large that he had to mix them with his arm. While part of my relationship with food is good and part is bad, my connection to food runs deep. About two years ago, I had enough. My weight was up and I prayed to lose weight. Then, I didn't care about the weight nearly as much as I cared about my dependence on food, so I started to pray that I would be free from the unhealthy power that I felt food had on my life.
Here's what has happened since then:

1. I told a friend besides my husband. I emailed a close friend my true feelings. (This was shortly after I had my daughter.) She was kind, gentle, but bold in the truth that she spoke to me.

2. I read Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas. This opened my eyes and gave me freedom that what I was dealing with was sin. Realizing that I was wrong made me free to stop the rationalizing and know that I have a problem that I needed to address.

3. I met a woman in Belize who processed four bags of corn everyday to send to her mother. This opened my eyes that my basic job is food. My role in my family is the chef, and I needed to slow down my life enough to focus on real food. This is still sinking into me today, and as I priority my errands/commitments/lifestyle, I focus on planning good meals instead of making bad decisions repeatedly. I've slowed down my life/projects/interests enough to have time to devote to meal planning and preparing.

4. I did the Whole30 diet. This.was.life.changing. I never diet, so I was a bit terrified. What I found was liberating. For an entire month, I didn't have to make any decisions on what I was going to allow myself. Everything on the diet was fair game. I was broken from my dependence. I never felt guilty. I lost a good amount of weight. I learned how to cook differently. And I felt so incredible. Like a superhuman. If you don't know how to stop yourself from making bad decisions from food and just need a break, the rules of Whole30 provide a freedom that is incredible. This diet is life changing, but I don't believe that it's the path to food salvation. It's just a good starting point.

5. I lost a ton of weight and I gained a little and I lost it back. This was a struggle. It wasn't the weight that bothered me (well of course it did) as much as I hadn't solved my problems. I relied on Whole30 to keep me healthy, and that was hard. I wanted to be healthy all the time without a list of rules to depend on. 

6. Enough was enough and I started counseling. We talk about food, but we mainly talk about shame. Food shame and just life shame. (If you don't like to talk about shame, then it will grow. Watch this or this.) This is where I am now. I could write a lot about this, but it would basically sound like babble. Instead of trying to explain what I'm barely learning, I'll say this: I don't think that this is going to be a quick fix. A diet, an exercise plan, or anything temporary is going to solve my food problems. I've accepted that changing 32 years of bad habits is going to take some time and I'm fine with that.



While it's not over, this is my story on becoming a healthier person all around. I'm sharing it because many people have asked me what is changing. The truth is that this is very embarrassing to talk about, but I've noticed that when I start to tell it, people open up and they get it. Opening up to the situation is a great first step.

While this looks like a list of steps that I took to get better, I have to say that it really feels like a gift. Yes, I had to take the personal initiative to change things, but it doesn't feel like it was me. I believe that the changes that are happening are my answered prayers from years ago. 

I'm not a motivational speaker, exciting writer, or anything close to a nutritionist. All I have to offer is my story and my vulnerability. If you're struggling with food, then I would recommend telling a friend. That really jump started this for me. Be kind to yourself. Thanks for reading my story.