Learning It All

I had an aha moment while I was on my run earlier today, which is weird because usually all I think about is how not to hyperventilate when the run gets at all challenging.  Pair that with running while pushing the double stroller, and I'm amazed I can remember anything from those 40 minutes.
Here it is: I don't like parenting when it fringes on something I want.

Like those smudge marks on the mirror? They're my little reminder to not sweat the small stuff.  

I've been having borderline anxiety about not resting and enjoying my simple times with them.  I like so many aspects about parenting: figuring it out, disciplining, training, cuddling, encouraging, car seats, climbing all over me.  I like it all.  But I have a hard time, mostly in the mornings, when I need to be left alone.  That's the hard stuff.  I feel like I treasure so much of my time with them, but there are times when I just want to finish that one little thing.  And they interrupt. I don't get angry, just entitled.  It's nothing big, just the small stuff.  For now at least.

As I admit this to myself on a run and as I type it out in this space, I let go of my agenda and my order.  I let go of ideal and perfect and knowing exactly what to be and what to do.

Instead of feeling beaten down about this, about finding yet another area in my life where I don't rest, I find comfort in the realization that I'm learning, I'm changing, and, hopefully, I'm growing.  The words of Scott Hanselman of Microsoft give me comfort, "somehow we've become convinced we can learn all the stuff." Somehow, I've become convinced that I can have this life thing figured out.  Letting that go gives me so much freedom.

Figuring out that I have a hard time in the small areas of parenting, I call that growth.  Letting my order go, is a whole new level of growth.  I hope that eventually I can start to do that.  Until then, I like that quote up there.  The one that calls me out about thinking I can have it all figured out.