Designed To Be

I'm not done talking about Belize, but I'm done blogging about it.  One more post and I think I'll keep my thoughts and feelings limited to conversations and prayers.  Sometimes, I do better if I'm talking.  I can spit out more words.  I'm often carried by emotion and memories.  I can read faces to see if I'm making sense or not.  When I'm writing (or typing) about things, I try and pack a lot into just a few words.  That's hard for a fast, loud, and expressive talker like myself.  This trip...it can't be summarized in a few blog posts.  It's changed things for me.  It's creeping in to all different parts of my life and I'm loving the flow.  

There have been many people, friends and people from my church, who have asked about the trip.  They really want to know.  And I love it.  I'll talk about this trip all day long.  I want to share what I got while I was there.  I don't talk about spiritual things much on this blog (again, it's one of those things that I rather do in person), but I am going to try and say something about the most spiritual thing that I learned while I was there.  

Here it is: trips like these are great because they force us to live more like we were intended and designed to live.  This is my 10th trip like this and I'm just now seeing it.  It's taken me a week of talking with John, praying, and journaling to realize that is what made this week great.  God didn't give us laws and rules and stuff to weigh us down or give us a standard to obey so we can feel proud of ourselves.  No, he gave us His word to show us that we have been designed carefully so that we can flourish.  (Pronounced flur-ish, not floor-ish, John pointed out after a few days of me saying it wrong.)

The Lord has made us in such a way that we will feel so alive and filled with joy when we do the things that we were designed to do.  Yes, we mess up.  No, we can not do it on our efforts.  Yes, he'll redeem it all one day.  No, he won't leave us alone to figure it out in the meantime.  

This trip.  It was a gift.  A lot of the kids said "best week of my life" or "best trip I've ever been on."  And that's because we lived like we were intended to live.  For me, that meant that I didn't have a lot with me.  I wasn't worrying about my things and taking care of them.  We had one mirror the size of my palm and that didn't lend itself to be consumed with my looks.  Everyday we woke up with purpose to serve other people.  We went to help others and that took the focus off of ourselves.  We were active.  Everyday. All the time.  But the biggest thing: we were doing it all together.  We were a tight community from Tennessee that went down and found community with the people of Belize.  

I went on this trip to be with the youth group and I knew that I would have a good experience as well, but I had no idea I was be so filled-to-the-brim with joy and love.  And I really believe it's because the nature of the trip looks more of who I'm supposed to be.

As I come home to my husband and my two babies and my community, I'm filled.  I know that the elements that brought me joy in Belize are the same elements that will bring me joy in my place in life.  I want to get rid of all the life clutter that steals time away from what I'm suppose to be doing.  I want to enjoy more of what I've been given.  And I'm not talking about the materialistic things.  

I'm not coming back thinking that we should move to a third world country and play with kids all day-even though that sounds awesome.  I want to see myself come alive with the elements that I saw in Belize.  I want to live in a community of people who encourage and strengthen one another.  I want to take the focus off of structure, order, and cleanliness.  I want to stop managing people's opinions of me and start just being myself.  I want to remember to rest and take breaks and ask for help.  

And as this first week home has unfolded, Belize Meg is starting to feel a little tense.  She's slipping away and starting to have those not-so-perfect ways of living show their ugly faces.  And I hate it.  John started to feel it too and asked me about it.  I told him that I feel that tension in myself coming back and I'm trying to talk myself out of it.  Gently, he said, "have you prayed about it?"  

Nope.  I hadn't asked for it to stay and remain.  I was trying to put my hands around it and hold tight, so cool Belize Meg wouldn't leave.  Eventually, my muscles started to give out and I couldn't hold on anymore.  It was just too hard.  And just like that, I'm reminded that it's not me.  I'm not doing a darn thing.  

It's all up to God.  He is the author and perfecter of my faith.  Not me.  I won't ever get it right.  But, he'll take me on trips and give me kind words through my husband to remind me that He's the one taking care of things.  He's the one who molds me.  Belize and friends and joy and community and babies and John are all part of my story.  And I'm thankful.  

And if you know me personally and are reading this, then feel free to ask me more.  I'm all about being real these days, so I will most likely be honest and not hide behind vague words or empty talk.  If you don't know me personally, email me.  Call me.  I'll talk to everyone and anyone.  I want to shout from the top of the Mayan ruins: God is good.  Then, I'll want to go into a long conversation about how I'm seeing that.  
That's how it's going to be.  When people want to know my story, I think that I'm going to have to add Belize in there.  It's been incredible.  It's changed everything.  John says that our whole house is different because of it.  And, gosh, I'm just so thankful.